The wedding!

My parents' wedding album, hen 'n chick plant, and MOTHER pin on the cake table.

SO...my husband and I are now married (which you could probably guess by my use of the word "husband")! It's been almost two months now. I still can't believe how proud I feel of myself for finally gaining the strength to have a ceremony in spite of my mom's [physical] absence. It was truly a beautiful, perfect day, straight out of the vision my mind had been concocting all year long...but also full of all the people we love the most, which was the most important part. I know my mom was there cheering us on. She'd know better than anyone how much that day meant to me because of all I've been through, losing her and going through my bad first marriage and all I had to work through. But I also had several friends who commented on it. One in particular told me she started crying when she was getting ready because she was so acutely aware of the enormity of this occasion, that I was finally ready and able to do it...she's in my mother loss meetup group and has seen me through many ups and downs these last few years. I've never seen so many people SO excited, and I think it's partly because so many of them knew how much it meant beyond just being an everyday wedding. And partly just because we're so awesome together. heehee


Even though we got married in the fall, it looked and felt more like a spring wedding - and you know spring means new beginnings. No, we didn't get married in the summer at the beach as the psychic had said, haha. But he was right about everything else, and truthfully, bringing that up was one of the things that really forged us ahead with our plans because it made us start delving more into what we wanted and didn't want it to be like. Doing as he said was something we thought about and then realized it would be impractical in spite of all the reasons it seemed practical. lol I'm thankful for my patient, compassionate guy who has dealt with all my brokenness and insecurity because he saw potential in me that even I couldn't always see. My best friend told me on our wedding day that I am more "me" now than I have ever been and that she knows so much of that has to do with my husband. He's always given me room and freedom to be who I need to be and feel how I need to feel. Looking back, it's amazing in a way that we didn't do this sooner because even when my past marriage clouded my perspective, it's always been pretty obvious to us and everyone else that we were supposed to be together. But all things happen in their own good time...it's even sweeter now because I am just in a different place mentally and emotionally this year than I have ever been before. The guy was always right...but now, the time was just right too. 


We incorporated a lot of my grandmother's style into the wedding (my mom's mom). If my grandma were still mentally herself, she'd probably laugh at my saying she has a style. She just always used what she had on-hand because they were poor. But all of her handmade things, how I treasure them now. She wasn't in any state to come to the wedding. But we used a lot of things she had made and tons of vintage things that reminded me of her, and some of my flowers represented the two of them, so that was sort of like honoring her and my mom at once. We also had pictures of our grandparents, young and in love, set out. 


Tied to the underside of my bouquet, I had the "I Heart Mom" ring I gave to my mom for her last birthday about two weeks before she died and a vintage pin that said MOTHER (along with my husband's grandmother's locket). So there were lots of little things that represented my mom but somehow without it being overtly about the fact that she died and turning the ceremony into something else.


So how did I fare, you ask? Did I have my dreaded breakdown as I started down the aisle, which I have been fearing for years and years?


During the day as we were setting up, I started looking through my parents' wedding album (which I'd set out on the cake table with the hen 'n chick plant, which was always symbolic with my mom and me because they're like mothers with babies) and broke down crying. We got married in our friend's backyard, and I went inside to cry on her shoulder a while, and when I went back outside to keep setting up, my parents' song chose that moment to come on the stereo. I laughed and felt like my mom was messing with the music system. That gave me an extra boost of strength. So I had my cry early in the day and got it out of my system...and somehow I just knew that was all the crying I was gonna need. 


My dad walked me down the aisle with both of us all smiles (oh, and we also found a penny on the stoop!), and we had agreed he'd still say, "Her mother and I do," and instead of making me sad, it comforted me. My dad and I even danced to their song during the reception. By the way, things between us have been really great for quite a while now.


My mom only got to know my husband about six months before she died, but she really liked him and knew he was a keeper. I was able to be happy and joyful the rest of the day and make the day about us instead of my loss, which is how it should have been, and I'm sure it made her very happy. :) 


It's amazing how fear can control you for so long if you let it. I am so glad and proud that I was finally able to beat it!!!!!!! It's been a long journey of conquering a lot of different fears a little at a time, and now I sorta feel like I can do anything. Well...most of the time! :)

My dad and me.

WORD FOR THE DAY
Monday, Dec. 6

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous.

Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, Alchemical Wisdom

(from gratefulness.org)

Some days...

Some days, the dreams, memories, and photographs just aren't enough.


Some days, it can still feel like this is too much to bear.


Some days, I still look back and wonder how I survived it.


Some days, I feel strong and brave and forge ahead.


Some days, I just feel grateful that I had her here while I did.


Some days, I am so light and happy and filled up, though the loss is ever-present.


Some days, the love she left in me is enough to sustain me.


Some days...are better than others.


All days...I still know for sure that I am okay and always will be.

_______________________________________

Photo credit: labphotog.zenfolio.com


I did a flickr search for "mom," and the above photo is the first one that came up, and this is the photographer's caption:

Minutes & hours are filled with memories & tears. There are sobs & wails that come from a place so terribly deep & wounded. And, there are moments of clarity & deep peace knowing my mother no longer hurts.
They say grieving is a journey that one travels in his/her own way. I'm walking the miles of that journey now & forever; one, healing step at a time.
Mom---I love you purely & simply, with all my heart. In your memory & in your honor I take my first steps BACK TO LIFE.... 

---Originally posted on my blog on July 15th at 6:15am http://labphotog.wordpress.com/

One-a those days.

flickr image by floydbob

I am an emotional wreck today. I watched a movie late last night on TV ("Little Secrets"), and it was very sweet and something my mom would have loved to see, and I started crying. Then I started feeling old. (I know, I know. Most days, I am very happy to be almost 30 because I am in a very good, GOOD place in my life, and things are falling into place, and I would never wanna go back to being younger...but some days, the transition of what "30" means hits me rather hard.) Then I looked at my teeth, and my straight, perfect teeth are changing, I believe, and it's freaking me out BAD. Then I realized this week marks our youngest dog's 3rd b'day and that one of our kitties is 12, and I bawled and bawled over it. I am just a big, emotional, teary mess. It happens every now and again. I think what it really boils down to is: I'm stressed out. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I fell asleep crying last night and held said dog and cat all night. I dreamed that my mom and I were swinging together on someone's front porch. I think we were listening to them playing music or telling stories; I can't remember which. I'll bounce back like I always do. Sometimes I just need to feel sad and let it happen. Sigh. 

Other than that, things are good...we have 3-1/2 months til our wedding, and it's really a sweet, exciting time. Friends and family are offering so much support and encouragement. I wanted to include some words of wisdom from my best friend when she emailed me back about how I'm feeling today. She and I met when we were babies in diapers, and I literally do not remember a time in my life without her in it. She is more like my sister, really. We grew up just around the corner from each other and were almost always together, riding bikes, huddling in the closet with a flashlight to tell ghost stories, getting in trouble for eating bubblegum-flavored toothpaste, swimming, playing in the neighborhood creek, writing stories together, crushing over dumb boys, giggling at a high-pitched frequency that only tween girls can conjure, and just talking and over-analyzing everything possible because that's how our brains work. Especially since my mom died, she's been maternal towards me in a way, though still my friend, and I appreciate her so much. When my mom was in hospice the last week of her life, my best friend was there by our sides, bringing me toothpaste and clothes changes and pajamas. (Hmm, I've mentioned toothpaste twice in one blog post in addition to talking about my teeth; I think I'm scrutinizing them because of the upcoming wedding.) And now she has the most beautiful and sweet little boy that I've had the pleasure of babysitting twice this month; he reminds me SO much of her, and it's a joy to see because it's almost like watching her as a kid again. He has all her facial expressions and all the wonderment over simple things just like her. She always has sage advice for me; she knew my mom well and always seems to know what she'd say. I would run to her anyway even if my mom were still here, but I am so thankful that I can run to her even more so now. Her dad has lung cancer; he was pretty recently diagnosed. It's absolutely heartbreaking thinking of her having to endure this. I hope I can be there for her the way she was (is) for me. I think she knows me better than anyone else on the planet since my mom died. She knows my vices, what makes me tick, and how to get through to me. I love her dearly.

Don't feel old.  In so many ways, your life is really truly beginning.  I think [ex-husband] was to get you prepared for the real thing.  You got your life lined up the way you want it.  Work will continue to be a job/chore until you find something that makes you happy to do it.  But it is still the avenue to at least keep you where you are at until you find something better and someplace better if that's the case.  I'm sorry about all the sadness surrounding your mom.  I have nothing to say past that really; I cant even imagine. I think what you are going through is what everyone goes through when they hit close to 30. I don't think it's really the actual age so much as just the universal time period when you start to review everything.  I know that I did it too.  But I think so long as you are happy with the overall picture, and you have every reason to be, that's what ultimately counts.

Hey, Jennifer... It's OK. Everything is fine. You've always been guided. Even now you are watched, and held, and adored. You've made great stuff happen, and you will make more great stuff happen. You've changed lives. You've changed your own. You've moved mountains and done the impossible. You've been scared and you overcame. You've been knocked down and you rose. And you've been lost, or so you thought, only to discover it was just the calm before another storm of creativity, love, and fun. 

Humbled like the rest of 'em, The Universe

Another Mom dream.

Die kleine Manon
Originally uploaded by andreea_gerendy

I keep having these dreams where my mom is alive and in which I don't realize she's not supposed to be there. It's just like everything is normal. I had one where my fiancee and I were married and had a child, a little girl, and she was already about 3 or 4 in the dream. She had brown hair. She actually looked similar to the little girl in this picture. I don't know what her name was; I don't think we ever called her by her name in the dream (dammit!!!). Anyway, he wasn't in the dream, but I was over at my mom and dad's house with our daughter, and she was supposed to be eating her dinner. She kept spitting it out and saying she wasn't hungry. She was way too cute to get mad at. :) Finally, I said I gave up and started cleaning her up. When I was done, she looked up at me and said sheepishly without meeting my eyes, "Well, I think I could still have room for a piece of Dove chocolate." My mom and I looked at each other and burst out laughing, and I said, "Yep! She's my kid alright!" Then I asked my mom, "What did you do to get me to eat when I was little?" But that's when I woke up, and I never got the answer.

It was a bittersweet dream in a way. I loved seeing my future kid and my mom together in one dream! That's always been the hardest part of losing my mom too young - my child not knowing her, at least on this side. I at least got 24 years with her, not that it was even close to enough. I've of course been thinking a lot about this, with the upcoming wedding and the plans to try and conceive right after, so I guess the dream was my way of trying to get what I wanted - both of them together. It broke my heart, though, not to get my mom's answer in the dream. I don't even know this time if it was really her. Sometimes I just know without a doubt that it's really her, and other times, I'm not sure. I know that motherhood is going to bring so much intense joy and healing to my heart. But I also know there will be times when it's so hard without my mom there guiding me. I'd pay almost any price for a two-sided conversation with her, to get her advice and hear her fond remembrances of how scared she was of breaking me when I was a baby since I was a preemie and all the fun little things we used to do together. Fortunately, we have a tremendous network of support between family and friends, and I am SO grateful for that. And his mom is SOOO excited about being a grandma that she can barely contain herself, and she'll make an awesome one, and I'm so glad my child will have her.

But of course, nothing can be the same as having your mom around to help you, and it's just such a shame that my baby won't grow up knowing my mom. It's the wrongest of wrongs. If I start to think about all the things my mom and my child won't be able to do together, I'll fall apart. She will love and adore that child beyond comprehension (and probably already does, as I believe they've probably already met), but it's so unfair that she can't do it HERE, in person. I will teach her all about my mom, and I hope she will feel like she knows her from that. And I have hope that my mom will still have a few conversations with her from beyond...a friend of mine's son recently said his imaginary friend's name was her mom's full name, which he had never heard before; he'd only heard of her nickname. It's enough to send chills up your arms, but it gives me hope!

Still, although I'm nervous, I'm really excited about motherhood. Even though I always thought I'd have a child long before now and have been waiting my whole life for it, I'm not sad that it didn't happen before now, because when it does, I know it will be the perfect time. I don't know if I would have been as good of a mom before now. I turn 30 this year, and I am more comfortable in my own skin now than I have ever been. I feel like for me personally, I'll have more to offer her now. Okay, or him. Even though it's gonna be a her. But even with the excitement, it's still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this time next year, I could be close to poppin' her out. :)

Oh...and a few weeks ago, I put my mom's wedding dress on for the first time. It's not the one I'm getting married in. But I love looking at it. I had always wanted to put it on, just because, but couldn't bring myself to. Finally, I did. It sounds morbid to anyone who hasn't lost their mom, maybe. But having it on was kinda nice.

quotes from gratefulness.org

I recently started subscribing to the emails from http://www.gratefulness.org/. I like 'em a lot. Here's a couple good ones!

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought. - Peace Pilgrim

I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable...but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. - Agatha Christie

(Not to mention Agatha Christie is one of my favorite authors. I inherited a love for mysteries from my mom.)

My favorite email subscription is still Notes from the Universe, though, which you can get a taste of in the sidebar. :) They can literally change your life as you know it!! I so look forward to opening them every day and seeing what the Universe wants to tell me today. :) http://www.tut.com/

Mother's Day this year was tough. I didn't get my usual two weeks' prior syndrome; instead, it hit the day of when I was going along, doing fine, and decided to look through some old pictures of my mom and me when I was a baby. Cue the downpour. It was a couple days before I felt back to normal, but then I was fine again. When I went back and looked at the pictures again, I could smile again instead of cry. And such are the ways of grief!

Wedding dress shopping with Mom.

image from flickr by Ualani

I had a dream last night that my mom and I went wedding dress shopping. She was totally alive and normal, not like it was her ghost. I had to use the bathroom and went to the back of the store and into the bathroom, and she went in with me. We didn't realize it was a private bathroom for the employees, and one of them burst through the door somehow and started yelling at me for using their bathroom! She left the door open while she was yelling at us, and everyone in the store was looking at me and frowning in disapproval. She shut the door, and when my mom and I walked back into the store, we found that they had closed up and left us locked in for the night. We were trying to figure out how to get out without setting off the alarm when I woke up. Strange, huh? All the same, it was nice having her there.

More wisdom from a Dove chocolate wrapper.

Another good article about parental loss.

I have never watched this show, and as a vegetarian, some of the references in the article made me wince a bit, but it is a beautifully written article. Even though it's about sons losing their dads, and I wouldn't pretend to think that it's exactly the same as a daughter losing her mom (because nothing is, and each loss is different in its own way), there is a lot we can pull from.

For Josh and Jake Harris, this February will likely be the worst month they'll ever have to endure in their lives. Their father -- 'Deadliest Catch' skipper Phil Harris, who was not only their dad, but their boss -- died following a stroke on February 9. The pain and emotional void left by the unexpected and all-too-early passing of a father is indescribable, something incomprehensible for most. Unfortunately, I know firsthand, because as they trudge through the awfulness that is their February, my November was equally devastating when my father passed away.

Read more:

Dear Harris Boys: I Know What You're Going Through