it hurts so much...

The bunny hung out in our backyard all Sunday morning.  It's still the same size and hasn't grown any.  Lately when I see him, it does still comfort me, but at the same time, I can't help but think, "I want to see HER, not a bunny."  The fact that he also looks like the pet bunny I had not so long ago and for whose death I feel completely responsible also takes me back to the guilt and pain of that as well sometimes.  Yesterday, I read something I'd written about him a while back about how I used to lay on the floor and he'd come up and start digging in my hair and he would lick my face, and it tore me up.  He is gone, my mom is gone, and now I have to settle for a bunny in the yard that I can't even touch.  I'm thankful he's there and I do believe she sends him, and I hope she always will, but it can never be a substitute.  I was doing so good for a long time, it seems, and here lately I have not been able to get my mom off my mind and I cry a lot over the unfairness of it all and the sheer missing her.  The knowledge and awareness of the void inside me is always present.  I don't think there will ever be anything that will make that go away.  The thought of her absence is never far from my mind, but lately it has been surfacing a whole lot and threatening to pull me back down.  I think part of it might be everything that's been happening as far as moving forward with my boyfriend, getting a new house, knowing that we'll be getting married in the near future, and she isn't physically here to see any of it.  I know she can always see me.  But I cannot physically walk her through my new home from room to room and hear her tell me how happy she is for us and how glad she is that I have someone who loves me so much.  She won't be there when I get married again or have a baby.  It's almost enough to make me glad I got married to the wrong person before just cause she was at the wedding.  I feel lost sometimes, like I have no true direction anymore without her constant guidance and assurance.  I feel damaged.  Like I will never fully recover from this gaping hole in my life.  Like there will always be something sort of "off" about me, something not quite right, because she is gone.  Like I can be happy and fulfilled but only to a certain extent.  I don't know if that is really true or if it's just the pain and fear making me feel that way. 

And now today my cat is in surgery.  She lives with my dad, but I still consider her mine as well because we had her since I was 12 years old.  I can't explain how special she is to our family.  She really clung to my mom more than my dad or me for the most part, but since my mom's death, she has barely left my dad's side.  She can't stand it when he leaves the house and acts like she's afraid he will never come back like my mom.  She follows him around the house, sleeps with him, always has to be near him.  And he has leaned on her for support just as much.  It's just the two of them in the house now.  She has really helped him pull through.  He found a lump on her and took her to the vet this morning, and they were so certain that it was probably cancer that they decided they had to operate on her today.  So we are just waiting to find out what will happen.  The wound of losing my mom is still so fresh, even after a year and a half, that I just don't know if we can handle going through another loss.  We had to go through losing my first cat a few years ago, and the four of us (me, Mom, Dad, and this cat) just about lost our minds with grief...that's when the chain reaction started...then it was my hamster, then my divorce, then my bunny, then my mom...I know loss is part of life, but dammit, why does it have to be so prevalent in mine and all in a row instead of being spread out so that I could have some hope of surviving it with some shred of sanity.  If I had a choice, I would never opt to spend my life without any of my loved ones just because eventually we all die.  The experience of having them all in my life is well worth it.  But as my dad said recently, sometimes it is so dark that you feel like you can't even feel your way through the pain. 

Tell me - how am I supposed to go the rest of my life without my mom?  How did I even survive the last year and a half?  I know I can do it, deep down, but mostly because I know I HAVE to do it so I won't let her down.  All she was worried about was if I would be okay, so I just have to be.  I know she wants to see me achieve everything that's still left for me to do.  But it HURTS.  It hurts so very very much.