Something has recently hit me...I've realized that every time I look in the mirror, I am hoping to see something of my mom looking back at me that I can connect with. I don't mean her ghost in the reflection; I think I'm just hoping to see a lot of her in my face because she's my mom and I want to see her features in me. Which is odd, because I never looked much like my mom at all. We both have naturally brown hair, but that's about where the similarties end. We both have green eyes but a totally different shade. We have different heights and builds. Most of my facial features come from my dad. I don't mean to say that I wish I didn't look like my dad. I think it's just because my mom is gone, I want to know that I look like her, all the while knowing that I don't. But even though our features are different, somehow, some way, when I see my reflection I do see something of her. I can't pinpoint exactly what it is or if it's just wishful thinking, but there is some kind of recognition there, like I am not only looking at myself but at my mother's daughter. If that makes any sense. It was just strange to suddenly realize that I've been seeking something from my own reflection to keep me feeling connected with her.
On another note, I haven't seen the bunny for about two months. My boyfriend saw him once a few weeks ago, but I wasn't there. Everytime I'm standing in front of a window that overlooks the backyard, I look for him and always feel my heart sink a little bit when he's not there.
I may sound like I'm doing awfully well lately, and I suppose I am for the most part, but it changes often. My main deal lately, even though I push it as far back from my mind as I can, is knowing that my dad will probably someday remarry. I've already written about it a little bit in here before, so I don't think I'll venture down that road again...I just know it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks and knock the wind right out of me if he ever gets serious with anyone, and I'm not looking forward to it even though I want him to be happy and not feel alone.
For now, I'm trying to throw myself into my new house, my pets, and my love and how I am so thankful for them; keep exercising because it helps me stay balanced; and really pay attention to the minute details of life and the world that make me smile. Because those things are still there. Many times it just takes more effort to see them. Grief has a way of fogging up your mind and distorting everything until you are sure you are so damaged that you can never possibly be normal or fully functioning again. I still get that down sometimes, believe me. Most of the time it helps just to wake up to a new day and start fresh. 9/11 was really hard for obvious reasons, and I kept feeling like I had to watch the stuff on TV because it would be a dishonor not to. But after five years, I still don't think I was ready. I also could not separate the death of my mom from it. I felt so much for the people who lost loved ones so tragically and suddenly with no time whatsoever to prepare...they blinked and the person was gone. Then I kept reliving her last moments, her last breath, holding her hand by her bed. I cried a lot for the other people and for myself and, until I fell asleep that night, was lost in thoughts of how you never know when something is going to blindside you. I have to fight not to let that knowledge control me or else I will live in absolute fear and panic all the time. I guess there's a fine balance between living your life like there's no tomorrow and not letting it become an obsession. I remember my ex-husband saying one time that every time he left the house, I looked at him like I might not ever see him again. I think it irritated him (as did most things I did and didn't do). I was definitely more insecure back then than I am now, but the internal struggle not to let that kind of fear take over me is still present, especially since sudden loss has happened to me too many times already. I lived in complete fear back then, and I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. But sometimes it really gets to me wondering who will be next and I can't even stomach it. I think I've already written some about that too. Oh, well.
1 comments:
I miss my mom, she was very important to me and the idea that she is not here any more seems unimaginable to me. I am now 50 years old and have a wonderful husband, 2 kids and 4 grandkids but the fact that she left me almost three years ago is almost like a dream. She actually left me in 1999 when she had a stroke, that stroke was so scary for her and she kept disappearing a little at time in the next few years and eventually we completely lost her. She would look at my sisters or me and seem to not recognize us. But she loved to see my husband which gave me comfort. I love my mom so badly some times it hurts. But I know she is in a better place and is waiting for my husband, my sisters, my brother , the grand chidren and my self to join her in heaven.
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