Current mood: strong
Yesterday started out really nice...it's always nice to awaken to purring cats instead of an alarm. Things went smoothly. Then I had an extremely stressful day at work. When it was finally over, I left just in the nick of time to pick up my puppy on time. I was in a hurry, the adrenaline rush was making me nauseous, I was irritated... When I picked her up, though, I decided it would feel really good to run just as hard as we could, back and forth! I got so tired I practically collapsed on the grass, and she put her paws on my chest and almost knocked me over while trying to slather me with kisses. I was giggling and giggling. When I stood up, she thought it would be a good time to do "the train," and that made me laugh even more. ("The train" is a special game we have where she jumps up behind me and I grab her paws and hold them while we prance around...and yes, I chant, "Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga...CHOO-CHOO!!!" It's great fun.) There were people outside who saw the whole thing, and somehow that made it even funnier. Then we got in the car and I had the moon roof and one window open (this is how she likes it), and I had the radio up loud, and it was so beautiful and springy outside as we drove fast down the interstate. There is something so freeing about driving fast with the windows down and the radio up on a sunny day. Intermittently, she would decide it was time to sit with me in the front for a minute to get a head scratch or give me a kiss. I talked to her like I'd talk to a person and laughed at my own dumb jokes. One of the radio stations played three of my favorite songs in a row, and all of them were about that freeing feeling driving in the car and just feeling really good about life in general. Every time I flipped to another station, I got another feel-good type of song. My heart felt like it was soaring, and I thought it might burst for the gratefulness I felt. Then guess what song came on? "What a Wonderful World." haha And the timing couldn't have been more perfect; it ended the second I put the car in park in our driveway.
I went inside to find my great guy making soft tacos for dinner. My other two dogs were rushing to get to me, and the cats were waiting patiently for their turn until the dogs calmed down. My puppy acted like I had just come home and she had been there the whole time waiting for me and jumped up to kiss me some more, as if we hadn't just spent the last 45 minutes in the car; she does this routine every single day. I was on top of the world.
Even driving home feeling that way, the thought crossed my mind that something bad could happen at any moment to take the feeling away. The difference between me a year or two ago and the me now is this: before, I would have been instantly depressed by that thought and panic-stricken at what awful thing could potentially unfold, because life can turn on a dime...I was always afraid to let myself feel too happy because I thought that was when the bad thing would come. But this time, I accepted the realization of the thought, and then I decided, yes, that might happen, but it might not, and I'm going to enjoy this feeling for as long as I can.
We watched American Idol (and I was extremely relieved that Brooke didn't get voted off - she left me a nice comment in one of my blogs a couple years ago, which really honored me, and I've been a MySpace fan of her music a long time, so I was really excited when I learned she was on the show and have been pulling for her). All was well until Elliot Yamin came on and held up his hand at the end of his performance that said WE MISS YOU, MOM. I looked at my boyfriend and said that she must have died, and it broke my heart. Then, of course, Ryan confirmed it and offered his condolences. I was already broken-hearted over David Cook's brother struggling with brain cancer and feeling really sad. And then Mariah Carey comes on and sings the song about loved ones dying and how you never really have to say goodbye. I went to pieces. Part of me was immensely sad for so many hurting people, and part of me was actually grateful in a really weird sort of way that I have three years under my belt after losing my mom...not that things are easy; I still struggle all the time...but the wound is not quite as fresh, and nothing is as bad as that first year. It was the worst time of my life that year...so dark, so seemingly hopeless. I'm not in that place anymore, and part of me was crying because I'm so glad I don't have to be in that awful place anymore. I've worked tremendously hard to get to the point where I'm at now, and it's taken a long time. I still get really down and depressed sometimes, obviously...any trigger can come along any minute and throw me off-guard. But again, the difference between then and now...before, I didn't know for sure if I would make it back out of the deep, dark hole...and now I know I will. I've come out of it so many times before that now I always believe I can do it again. So I succumb to the sadness when I need to, knowing that it is not going to feel THAT bad all the time, only for a while. Despite the down times, sometimes I am so overwhelmed with gratefulness for all the wonderful gifts in my life.
There is always pain from my mom's absence. The thought of her and the realization that she is gone are always running in the background of my mind. But lately I have been able to think more about the wonderful memories I have and how incredibly fortunate I was to have a mom like her. 1,000 years with her never would have been enough, and while I do feel cheated out of time with her since I only got 24 years, I am so very thankful for what little I did have.
I feel like something is shifting inside me lately, pointing me in a new and very good direction. My perspectives on things are easing into something lighter and freer. I will still have days where I am overcome with grief and can't think straight and doubt myself and where I'm going. I've accepted that as a reality of life. I had that just this past weekend and finally came out of it again.
That's what life is. Up and down, ebb and flow, wax and wane, a rollercoaster, a sine wave, whatever you want to call it. So cliche but so true. Nothing stays the same forever. Change is hard but vital. What is important is whether or not we choose to not allow the downs to cloud out our vision of the ups.
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