For when I succumb to self-doubt.

Current mood: validated

I mentioned to some friends this past weekend (mother loss support group friends, to be exact) that I needed to make a list of my accomplishments in life and hurdles I have made it over so that I can review it whenever I start to doubt myself, am facing a new change in life that is scary, get depressed or anxious, etc. I know all these things in my mind already, but I still tend to focus on the wrong things sometimes...for instance, rather than focusing more on the fact that I was strong enough to get out of a very bad, verbally/emotionally abusive marriage even though I had no clue at first where I would go or how I would make it on my own (and spent two years living on my own and doing just fine, thank you very much), for some reason, the illogical, insecure part of me focuses more sometimes on the fact that "someone got tired of me and betrayed me/maybe something is wrong with me" even though the majority of the problem was obviously with him. I know it’s a lie from my subconscious. But give a person 100 compliments and one insult, and they will focus way more on that one insult and temporarily forget about the compliments...that’s just human nature. So to break myself of this habit, I am publishing my list!

My purpose behind this is not to brag about things I’ve accomplished or try to make it sound like I’m terribly awesome (that short-lived Taco Bell commercial where the 9 says, "I don’t have a big ego; I just love how awesome I am" comes to mind - haha!!). I’m simply keeping it here as a record for myself to go back and look at when I need a reminder. But, really, why am I apologizing for being proud of myself and fearing that I might be seen as a snob?? Our society seems to drill into us that if we are confident and proud of ourselves and list our accomplishments other than on a resume, it might mean we are conceited and full of ourselves. But there is a difference!!

The reason I’m publishing this here is that maybe some of you will be inspired to make your own lists. We all have times of serious fear, self-doubt, and insecurity, no matter who you are or how beautiful/handsome/rich/smart/famous you are. I think this is a good way to look back over the past so we don’t forget the many things we’ve done in life that we never thought we could do...but we did ’em...and, therefore, we can get over the next hurdle that makes its way into our life because we have made it before and we know how far we have come.

One of my close friends who was there when I brought up the fact that I wanted to make this list surprised me with a really sweet and thoughtful gift the next day...a list of 11 things she is proud of me for to help me get started! I was so touched. Her list for me is below.

1. Love of those around her (bonus for those with fur; wow, that’s a lot of bonus!)
2. Surviving without her mother physically present
3. Honesty with and love toward her undeserving father
4. Leaving an abusive husband
5. Confronting an inappropriate boss
6. Coping with anxiety and panic (I might add that it was quite crippling for a long time)
7. Nose piercing (this was a HUUUUUGE deal for me)
8. A focus on the good in the world
9. Realizing that she is worth it
10. Wanting life
11. Having faith

And here are the ones I’m adding:

12. I took a leap of faith getting my first "professional" job in the field I wanted even though I spent a long time fearing I might not be good enough.
13. I rescued the puppies.
14. I lost over 30 pounds and have kept it off for well over a year.
15. I recorded a few songs in front of my friends even though it had been forever since I really sang in front of anyone besides my boyfriend (the last time was at my mom’s memorial service in tribute to her, and several years before that when I used to sing in church before an anxiety disorder paralyzed me).
16. Again, I lived on my own for two years in my own place. Granted, I rented and sometimes had to borrow money, but I made it.
17. I’ve made it through the deaths of two cats, my bunny, and my hamster...I miss them every day, but I get through it.
18. I was two months premature and could have died shortly after I was born...but even then, I was a fighta!! I pulled through after a few weeks in the hospital, and here I am.
19. Some mean people hurted my feelins, but I got over it.
20. Every day, I am working on overcoming other fears that are too private to list here. And I know I can do it.

I’ll probably add more things as I think of them...I hope you’ll all make your own lists and maybe even ask your friends and family to add some items in for you. You might be surprised at, and touched by, the things people admire you for.

Another idea is to spontaneously make a list for some unsuspecting but deserving person in your life. I can’t even tell you how much my friend’s list means to me. Suddenly sending something like that is a sure way to make their day...month...even their life...you never know what it could do for somebody’s self-esteem.