Over the weekend, I found two of my mom's outfits in the back of the closet that my aunt bought for her, jogging suit type outfits, one light blue and one navy blue. I decided to wear one of them today because they fit me (unlike a lot of her clothes, because even though I've lost some weight, she was always thinner, and taller too) and because it comforts me - almost feels like she's wrapping me in a hug while I'm wearing them. So how's this for sort of morbid irony...I realized as I was about to leave this morning that I was wearing her jogging suit with none other than my "There are cooler ways to die" anti-smoking T-shirt. Kind of a weird pairing. Maybe it was subconscious.I have a lot of my mom's more recent clothes, but I wish I had more of her stuff from the 70s. She had a really neat style. Only a couple pieces survived her giving them away or throwing them away because they were getting threadbare. There was this one pair of jeans I would kill for...faded bellbottoms that were made of soft, thin denim with red-striped ribbon down the outside leg seams. I am lucky enough to have a coat and some great handbags and a cute bikini. I also have her jewelry, and though almost none of it is real (most of it is costume jewelry earrings), I treasure it all. I can look at each pair of her earrings and tell you exactly what outfit she always wore to work with those earrings. The two-toned peach earrings went with the light peach short-sleeved sweater and the darker peach slacks...the blue and black plastic dual hoops went with the short-sleeved royal blue sweater and the blue and black floral skirt...the gold-tone hearts went with the brown floral jumpsuit...and I could go on. Actually, I think those heart earrings were mine, but she had a way of swiping my jewelry. ;) And I reciprocated by swiping hers too. She also frequently wore the ugliest pair of earrings you'd ever see that I made for her when I was little. She wore them proudly and often, like they were the most expensive diamonds in the world, even though they went with absolutely nothing.
I have had a few moments in the last few weeks where I would suddenly break down and cry over her even though I had not done that in quite a while. One night a couple weeks ago, I caught sight of a photo of her after she gave birth to me, and she looked so radiant and proud and happy, and I collapsed on the floor and wept for a while until it passed.
I don't dream about her like I used to, and when I do, it is harder to tell if it is really her or just me putting her there. The other night, I dreamed I was being bitten by 3 snakes that got loose in my grandmother's house - they were someone's pets (I don't know whose), and they were so beautiful and glittery like this one yellow lipgloss I have that I had been thinking about earlier in the day :), and one of them attached itself to my lower back and I couldn't get him off. It didn't hurt when he bit me and he wasn't poisonous, and I was not afraid of the snakes, but it freaked me out that I couldn't get him OFF. My mom was trying and trying to pry him off of me. He made it look like I had a tail. I woke up and one of my cats was sleeping on my back in the exact spot where the snake was attached to me in my dream, so that explains why I felt like I got bitten there, but I don't know where the rest of the dream came from. It kind of felt like it was really my mom there even though the rest of the dream was so unrealistic. I wonder if she has reincarnated or if she has chosen not to repeat life on Earth again, or if she is off doing something amazing, or if she is still present but trying to leave me be because she's afraid letting me know she's around will hinder my progress because I will get stuck on it. I don't think I would, though. Not now. I might have in the beginning. But I would rather her contact me now and then than not so the gap doesn't seem quite as large. Anyway, this is what dreammoods.com has to say about snake dreams:
To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.
If I take this literally and consider the fact that my mom was trying to REMOVE the snake, she was either trying to warn me and protect me about someone in my life who is bad, or she was trying to help me rid myself of my fears and worries - I think the latter is the most likely. Hmm, ME having fears and worries???? No way! ;)
Speaking of fears and worries...I told my boyfriend the other night (because he sometimes gets jealous of our pets when I pay them so much attention) that no offense to him and not to minimize him or his importance in my life, but no one will ever love me in the same sheerly unconditional way that my mom did except maybe my animals and maybe my child someday. There are things I could do that could make him stop loving me. That's the way it works with people most of the time. But my animals will always love me, always accept me, never judge me, just like my mom. I don't have to prove anything to them or be anything besides myself, just like with my mom. I could have done ANYthing and it would never have changed the way my mom felt about me. It hurts so much knowing that is gone, at least in the earthly sense. Not that I use my pets to make me feel better about myself by any means ; they are my lifeblood and they are like my very limbs, and they are the reason I kept going after my mom died because I could not shut down with them depending on me. But it does feel good knowing they love me no matter what. When she first died, I felt like no one would ever come CLOSE to loving me in the same unconditional way as she does except (hopefully) someday when I have a child, so it was sort of a double loss. But then I remembered that my best friend and my pets get about as close as they can, and it does help a lot. I know I've written about this before, but my hypnotherapist told me once that I have to learn to love MYSELF that way and that I can do it because my mom taught me how and I can see myself through her eyes. Easier said than done sometimes, but I try, and it was very empowering when she told me that. It is hard to trust people fully when you have a really bad marriage in your past and a dad who seems not to give a shit about you and a mom who "abandoned" you by dying...even now, it's still hard to let anyone get "too" close in case they get tired of me or die. I have been working on this for so long and have come a long way, but I think I still keep everyone at somewhat of a distance except for the ones who truly get what my life is now. It's not fair to my boyfriend, though, or his mom whom I love but am afraid to get close to, and I want to let go...I really do. He might love me that way and I'm just too afraid to let him or realize it. Sometimes I do think one reason I am not in a hurry to get remarried or have a baby is because she won't physically be there to see. But I am kind of just shooting myself in the foot. Could those fear issues be the "snake" my mom was trying to help free me from? Who knows.
So lots of random thoughts today. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up fast, and I'm not that excited about it at ALL. Especially because shortly after that means Anniversary #4.
Oh, and if you haven't seen yet, I opened my own online T-shirt shop where I have designed anti-smoking and lung cancer awareness graphics you can buy on shirts, bags, stickers, etc. (There are also designs for vegetarianism/veganism, animal welfare, healthy self-image, the environment, humor, etc.) It's at www.cafepress.com/pixelpixiesshop. I hope you'll take a look!
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