Today is New Year's.

Today is New Year's...and I am about to begin my fourth year without my mom.

I made it through Christmas and the whole time surrounding Christmas just fine. I'm not really sure how or why...but I really enjoyed Christmas this year and was okay. It didn't mean I didn't notice who was missing or feel any absence or pain from it...but I had a happy time and felt very grateful and loved. As always, spending Christmas with my boyfriend's family is a lifesaver for me. The way they have always pulled me in...I am so thankful for that. Things went fine with my dad. I didn't see him on Christmas but did a few days later, and things were okay. I also saw my grandmother the weekend after Christmas, my mom's mom, and it was not as hard as it usually is. I enjoyed seeing her and my aunt very much. She was still her happy, funny self. I had to remind her a couple times who I was, but when I would tell her, her face would light up. I sure hope I'm doing as well as she is when I am on the brink of turning 94 years old.

I really think putting up that tree helped me a lot this year. It's gonna have to stay up a while longer; I'm just not ready to take it down yet.

So we decided to go see a movie tonight and went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." I knew it was probably going to be a bit emotionally heavy just knowing a little of what it's about. Little did I know that it would open with a woman sitting at the hospital bedside of her dying mom who looked almost just like my mom did when she was close to the end...old (though she wasn't), frail, wearing a turban, the raspy breathing, the works. But somehow I was alright. The movie was so beautiful in so many ways and took me on quite an emotional rollercoaster, but I was really enjoying it. The woman next to me broke down crying at one point, and I heard another woman a few seats down sniffling too, yet I remained dry-eyed, which is not really usual for me during an emotional movie. It wasn't that I was stony or unfeeling; it was that I could see beauty in even the saddest parts of the story. When the movie was over and we were standing in the lobby, my boyfriend asked me if I was okay and said he got a little concerned the second the movie opened and we saw the dying mom. I said, "Yeah, I'm okay...I don't know how, but I really am." And I really was.

When we pulled into the driveway, what did the headlights illuminate in our backyard?

Yep, you guessed it: the bunny.

I saw him on Christmas Day, much to my relief. I do not see him everyday, and sometimes there will be long stretches where he doesn't seem to be around at all and I'll get worried. But he always seems to show up on the really important days or the ones when I really need that extra comfort. I was disappointed that I hadn't seen him today, New Year's. I really needed to...I needed him to be my symbol that this is going to be a good year, that things are going to be alright for me. I had decided I probably wouldn't see him if I hadn't seen him by nighttime because it's really very cold outside and I didn't think he'd be out in the cold. Yet there he was when we pulled up. And he wasn't scared - he never is. He didn't rush to get out of the headlights. He kind of hopped around and did his thing before eventually going into the brush. He is very rarely even spooked by our dogs, and they don't usually try to run at him either. We've been able to get pretty close up to him several times. But anyway, when I saw him, well - that's when I finally broke down and cried. It was a good kind of cry, a cry that felt sad because I miss her and that also felt good because she sent me that sign of comfort when I needed it...she always pulls through for me. She is still my mom, always looking out for me and trying to be there just when I need her most.

When I took all the dogs out to pee after we got inside, I couldn't see him but could still hear him rustling around in the brush. I said aloud through my tears, "Thank you, Mom. Happy New Year. I love you SO MUCH."

So yes, today is New Year's...and yes, I am about to begin my fourth year without my mom. But I have a feeling this is going to be a good year. This bunny is sort of like my groundhog today. :) Because I saw him on this day, I will go forward with more hope. I like to think I would have anyway, but I'm sure glad he was there. I will keep going forward, and keep going forward, and always keep going forward. I will live. I will be happy.

As I sit here typing all this now, I am surrounded by my furry little ones, and I am thankful for all the love in my life. I am thankful to have a mother whose love knows no bounds.