Weddings, babies, love notes...and turds

I am not feeling well today and am fighting off sneezes, aches, and chills and telling myself, "I am healthy! I am healthy!" Whenever I get sick, which fortunately isn't that often, I start missing my mom reeeeeeaaalllly bad. When I was younger and would get sick, she was always so comforting and was at the ready with a washcloth for my forehead and hot soup. I remember times as a very young child when I'd be up at night with a stomach bug or something and couldn't sleep, so we would go downstairs and watch Turkey Television in the middle of the night and laugh and laugh. It made being sick pretty much worth it to share those times with her. I want to turn into a big baby while I'm sick and whine and complain while she tends to me, but now I'm a grownup and she's not physically here, and I have to work and tend to responsibilities whether I feel like it or not. Boo.

A few months ago, I made a sale on my CafePress T-shirt shop to a woman with my mom's first name and maiden last name. Today I made another sale to a woman whose name is a nickname I used to call my mom, which I was thinking about a lot yesterday out of the blue. Very comforting "coincidences" and much-needed. And these are not remotely common names either. All throughout childhood and into adulthood, I would leave notes for my mom from a made-up secretary named Bambi. My mom was a secretary for almost 30 years, and when I was little, I decided she needed a secretary of her own to assist her. But this secretary had to be very dumb and very bad at her job because that would make my mom laugh. So I would leave notes for her from Bambi in this huge, exaggerated handwriting with every other word misspelled, saying she had completed some task for my mom that day, always poorly and bumbling everything. My mom's name was always incorrectly spelled and pronounced according to Bambi. And that misspelled name is the one on the sale I made today, believe it or not. Bambi brought us a lot of laughs over the years. Damn, I really need a kid of my own to do this kind of stuff...I just can't wait. Hmm...I just realized I have a further connection with the Disney Bambi...we both lost our mothers too young.

Speaking of having a kid, I went back to my psychic recently, the one I have been to before and have blogged about because of his accuracy. He confirmed that I will be pregnant next year and will have...drum roll please...a little girl. :) I have always known since childhood that I would someday have a daughter. I don't know how; I just knew. But it was awesome hearing him confirm it, and I've been going around telling everyone, "I'm having a girl!" as if I were already pregnant and had just found out the sex from the doctor. lol He has already told me the last time that she won't be my mom coming back, though. And he had a very wonderful message from my mom. To back up a little, he was confirming that I am with the right guy and that I basically need to chuck all my hangups and move forward because we are supposed to be together, and I mentioned that one reason I have held back on having another wedding and having a baby is because I am so afraid of not being able to handle it without my mom. I let go of the idea of the "symbolic empty chair" thing a while back, knowing it would be way too hard to see it during the ceremony, but I said I was terrified of starting the trek down the aisle and totally falling apart upon realizing my mom wasn't physically there. He kind of laughed and said, "Your mom has a sense of humor, doesn't she? Here's what she says to do about that: get a really good picture of her that looks happy and blow it up to a life-size cardboard cutout and stick it at the end of the aisle!!" I thought I was going to burst from laughing so hard. That is SOOOOO MY MOM...it's exactly what she would say. And even if I don't actually do it, just the thought of it will be enough to make me okay. I thought it was pretty freaking wonderful that my mama was joking around with me from the other side. :)

Oh, I also told him I had not seen the bunny on my birthday this year and was really sad about it and that it was the first time he had not appeared on a "holiday." I asked if the bunny was really from her or just something I came up with, and he said, "It's you." I said slyly, "But is she telling you to SAY it's me because she wants to wean me off of him?" and he said sheepishly, "Mm-hmm," like, "Okay, you win, you sneak!!" haha Another type of note I used to leave for my mom (usually in hidden places so she would suddenly come upon them when she wasn't expecting it) was "MOM IS A TURD" - don't ask me how this came about, but it was a tradition for as long as Bambi, at least, and to a little kid, "turd" is about the funniest word ever. So the first thing I thought when he told me she was trying to get away with "deceiving" me over the bunny was, "My mom is such a turd!!" lol He said she just really wants me to be able to move forward. We were already starting to plan getting married next year, and now we have a little more direction and have been told we're getting married in the summer at the beach...which is, in all honesty, a conclusion we probably would have arrived at anyhow because it makes sense for so many reasons - it's a time when people will be more likely to attend and a place where most of them will be already. All in all, the session was very healing for me!

So that is what's going on as of late. Is it next year already??? Just kidding. I will do my best to fully enjoy the present because life is going by too fast as it is. I've just turned 29, and everything seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye. But next year should be a pretty exciting year! :)

I love you, Mom. Even if you ARE a turd. And I promise to start going to the dentist regularly again. :)