Today is my mom's birthday. I can't believe she'd be 65 today and that I'm coming up on 5 years since she died. So strange. Honestly, back then, I never thought in a million years that I'd be feeling as grateful and happy again as I do now. I thought I might live in despair forever. I feel kind of bad; I haven't done anything to actually commemorate her today like I usually do, but I think with the 5-year mark, I am not really wanting to face it and deal with it. Normally, I embrace all the emotion, but I have been in such a good place emotionally lately that I am afraid of spoiling that. I don't want to keep it stuffed down either, though.
So we are really moving with our wedding plans, and I am feeling SO good and happy about everything! I woke up this morning and looked around at him and all our pets and thought of my friends and family, and I got choked up with such an immense feeling of gratefulness. I have worked through a lot of pain (some of it very recent when one of our dogs passed away unexpectedly on November 6th, and that has been SO awful). But I have had so much LOVE in my life and still do, and I simply cannot help but be thankful in spite of the hurt. I am so thankful I had the chance to have my mom, and our dog, and my other pets who have passed. The missing and aching hurt like hell...but I can't ignore the fact that I'm so lucky to experience them, and it makes everything worth it. I do kind of feel sometimes that I might be trying to ignore the hurt too much lately...I think somewhere along the line, I got tired of crying. But again, it is so important to deal with things head-on...I have always touted that and probably need to do better at taking my own advice lately.
What's the difference between allowing yourself to be truly joyful and keeping the pain squashed down inside? It is a strange, fine line sometimes.
I tried on wedding dresses this afternoon, and you know, I made it through fine. It wasn't until I was through that it hit me: I tried them all on and was happy and excited instead of focusing on her not being there. It made me feel like I can get through the rest of the process and be okay. And you know, maybe that was precisely the best gift I could have given her for her birthday...to be happy and grateful and not in mourning. And just as I was processing this thought, I got this email from one of my mom's closest friends, who always emails me on her birthday and Valentine's Day:
Wow! That was the greatest way you could have honored the memory of the one who always loved you most! I am sure she knew and was immensely happy. And, I am proud of you, too. It is o.k. to be happy!
Absolutely perfect. Mama, I love you so so so so SOOOOOO much...happy birthday. And you're still a turd.
2 comments:
The depth of our feelings for our mothers cannot be expressed in words and affects everything in our lives. My sympathy for you in mourning the absence of your mom -- who sounds like a wonderful woman -- knows no bounds. I think it helps you to talk about her and I'm always eager to listen.
I'm so glad yesterday went the way that it did. And I think her friend is on to something :) Your happiness is a wonderful birthday present!
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