Valentine's Day has come and gone. You know, I expected the actual 5-year mark to hit much harder than it did, but I guess having gotten some of it out 2 weeks prior, that helped. It was a Sunday this year. I slept really late that morning and cried when I woke up. I cried some that night too. But during the day, I was pretty okay. We never really know how to celebrate the day, obviously. But this was the first year, as I remember, that I really and truly felt like I wanted to actually celebrate V-Day in addition to honoring the day for the other thing it represents. I feel like that was a HUGE step for me. Maybe it's because this time, we're full-fledged into planning our wedding. And some of it is just time and new perspectives too. I made him a handmade Valentine, and he gave me the standard dozen roses (but in a non-standard color!) and See's candy, and let me tell you, I am ALL about that!!! :) We went to a movie and had a good time. When Monday morning rolled around, I fully expected to magically be fine again, as I usually am after the day of dread is over. It's like a flood of relief to know I made it through and can then begin anew. But not this year! Everything about this anniversary was different from what I expected, and I really should know by now not to think I know how I will fare. Monday through Wednesday, I was an irritable, sad, blah, tired, unmotivated, grumpy, foggy mess. Then suddenly Thursday, yesterday, I was just fine again. And now I am feelin' good and ready to take on the world again. :) My dad emailed me this morning and reminded me that today was the day of my mom's memorial service. Strangely, I don't remember those kinds of dates. I just remember the day she died, and the rest was all a blur after that.
I have a wedding to plan, a creative venture to continue working on, and all kinds of "life" just waiting for me to grab it!!! Jen is back in business. :) I figure if I can make it 5 whole years...I'm probably gonna be alright. ;) I will always have my days, for sure. But as bad as I miss my mom, I absolutely refuse to live in pain. I fight the pain every day, and nowadays, I win more than I lose. Sometimes I let myself lose, and that's okay; you still have to allow yourself to feel the bad, sad, mad feelings and not keep it held in. But I am living in such a state of gratefulness now, and it is truly life-changing to shift into that state. I am one lucky girl to have that woman as my mother. Yes, our time was too short, and no, nothing about it is fair. Yet I can still say that we lived a lifetime of love with the time we did get. I am so proud to say that I am who I am largely because of my mom. I can still say, "Happy Valentine's Day," to the first person who ever loved me.
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