Another Mom dream.

Die kleine Manon
Originally uploaded by andreea_gerendy

I keep having these dreams where my mom is alive and in which I don't realize she's not supposed to be there. It's just like everything is normal. I had one where my fiancee and I were married and had a child, a little girl, and she was already about 3 or 4 in the dream. She had brown hair. She actually looked similar to the little girl in this picture. I don't know what her name was; I don't think we ever called her by her name in the dream (dammit!!!). Anyway, he wasn't in the dream, but I was over at my mom and dad's house with our daughter, and she was supposed to be eating her dinner. She kept spitting it out and saying she wasn't hungry. She was way too cute to get mad at. :) Finally, I said I gave up and started cleaning her up. When I was done, she looked up at me and said sheepishly without meeting my eyes, "Well, I think I could still have room for a piece of Dove chocolate." My mom and I looked at each other and burst out laughing, and I said, "Yep! She's my kid alright!" Then I asked my mom, "What did you do to get me to eat when I was little?" But that's when I woke up, and I never got the answer.

It was a bittersweet dream in a way. I loved seeing my future kid and my mom together in one dream! That's always been the hardest part of losing my mom too young - my child not knowing her, at least on this side. I at least got 24 years with her, not that it was even close to enough. I've of course been thinking a lot about this, with the upcoming wedding and the plans to try and conceive right after, so I guess the dream was my way of trying to get what I wanted - both of them together. It broke my heart, though, not to get my mom's answer in the dream. I don't even know this time if it was really her. Sometimes I just know without a doubt that it's really her, and other times, I'm not sure. I know that motherhood is going to bring so much intense joy and healing to my heart. But I also know there will be times when it's so hard without my mom there guiding me. I'd pay almost any price for a two-sided conversation with her, to get her advice and hear her fond remembrances of how scared she was of breaking me when I was a baby since I was a preemie and all the fun little things we used to do together. Fortunately, we have a tremendous network of support between family and friends, and I am SO grateful for that. And his mom is SOOO excited about being a grandma that she can barely contain herself, and she'll make an awesome one, and I'm so glad my child will have her.

But of course, nothing can be the same as having your mom around to help you, and it's just such a shame that my baby won't grow up knowing my mom. It's the wrongest of wrongs. If I start to think about all the things my mom and my child won't be able to do together, I'll fall apart. She will love and adore that child beyond comprehension (and probably already does, as I believe they've probably already met), but it's so unfair that she can't do it HERE, in person. I will teach her all about my mom, and I hope she will feel like she knows her from that. And I have hope that my mom will still have a few conversations with her from beyond...a friend of mine's son recently said his imaginary friend's name was her mom's full name, which he had never heard before; he'd only heard of her nickname. It's enough to send chills up your arms, but it gives me hope!

Still, although I'm nervous, I'm really excited about motherhood. Even though I always thought I'd have a child long before now and have been waiting my whole life for it, I'm not sad that it didn't happen before now, because when it does, I know it will be the perfect time. I don't know if I would have been as good of a mom before now. I turn 30 this year, and I am more comfortable in my own skin now than I have ever been. I feel like for me personally, I'll have more to offer her now. Okay, or him. Even though it's gonna be a her. But even with the excitement, it's still hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this time next year, I could be close to poppin' her out. :)

Oh...and a few weeks ago, I put my mom's wedding dress on for the first time. It's not the one I'm getting married in. But I love looking at it. I had always wanted to put it on, just because, but couldn't bring myself to. Finally, I did. It sounds morbid to anyone who hasn't lost their mom, maybe. But having it on was kinda nice.