One-a those days.

flickr image by floydbob

I am an emotional wreck today. I watched a movie late last night on TV ("Little Secrets"), and it was very sweet and something my mom would have loved to see, and I started crying. Then I started feeling old. (I know, I know. Most days, I am very happy to be almost 30 because I am in a very good, GOOD place in my life, and things are falling into place, and I would never wanna go back to being younger...but some days, the transition of what "30" means hits me rather hard.) Then I looked at my teeth, and my straight, perfect teeth are changing, I believe, and it's freaking me out BAD. Then I realized this week marks our youngest dog's 3rd b'day and that one of our kitties is 12, and I bawled and bawled over it. I am just a big, emotional, teary mess. It happens every now and again. I think what it really boils down to is: I'm stressed out. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I fell asleep crying last night and held said dog and cat all night. I dreamed that my mom and I were swinging together on someone's front porch. I think we were listening to them playing music or telling stories; I can't remember which. I'll bounce back like I always do. Sometimes I just need to feel sad and let it happen. Sigh. 

Other than that, things are good...we have 3-1/2 months til our wedding, and it's really a sweet, exciting time. Friends and family are offering so much support and encouragement. I wanted to include some words of wisdom from my best friend when she emailed me back about how I'm feeling today. She and I met when we were babies in diapers, and I literally do not remember a time in my life without her in it. She is more like my sister, really. We grew up just around the corner from each other and were almost always together, riding bikes, huddling in the closet with a flashlight to tell ghost stories, getting in trouble for eating bubblegum-flavored toothpaste, swimming, playing in the neighborhood creek, writing stories together, crushing over dumb boys, giggling at a high-pitched frequency that only tween girls can conjure, and just talking and over-analyzing everything possible because that's how our brains work. Especially since my mom died, she's been maternal towards me in a way, though still my friend, and I appreciate her so much. When my mom was in hospice the last week of her life, my best friend was there by our sides, bringing me toothpaste and clothes changes and pajamas. (Hmm, I've mentioned toothpaste twice in one blog post in addition to talking about my teeth; I think I'm scrutinizing them because of the upcoming wedding.) And now she has the most beautiful and sweet little boy that I've had the pleasure of babysitting twice this month; he reminds me SO much of her, and it's a joy to see because it's almost like watching her as a kid again. He has all her facial expressions and all the wonderment over simple things just like her. She always has sage advice for me; she knew my mom well and always seems to know what she'd say. I would run to her anyway even if my mom were still here, but I am so thankful that I can run to her even more so now. Her dad has lung cancer; he was pretty recently diagnosed. It's absolutely heartbreaking thinking of her having to endure this. I hope I can be there for her the way she was (is) for me. I think she knows me better than anyone else on the planet since my mom died. She knows my vices, what makes me tick, and how to get through to me. I love her dearly.

Don't feel old.  In so many ways, your life is really truly beginning.  I think [ex-husband] was to get you prepared for the real thing.  You got your life lined up the way you want it.  Work will continue to be a job/chore until you find something that makes you happy to do it.  But it is still the avenue to at least keep you where you are at until you find something better and someplace better if that's the case.  I'm sorry about all the sadness surrounding your mom.  I have nothing to say past that really; I cant even imagine. I think what you are going through is what everyone goes through when they hit close to 30. I don't think it's really the actual age so much as just the universal time period when you start to review everything.  I know that I did it too.  But I think so long as you are happy with the overall picture, and you have every reason to be, that's what ultimately counts.